Endorsements

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Stick of Butter with Thumbprint

Hello - I'm a stick of butter with a toddler's thumbprint that was left out on the counter overnight. I am strongly endorsing Kari Lake for Governor of Arizona. Kari isn't afraid to speak her mind even though her mind is literally full of random conspiracies that even the people who made up the conspiracies are like, "Really? We were just kidding." Take it from a stick of butter...bitch is crazy but I'm a stick of butter so whatevs.

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Guy Who Sold Wayne Newton an Undershirt

One time Wayne Newton was vacationing in Arizona. He ran up to my table on the corner of Wyatt and 31st street asking for one of my undershirts that were for sale. He said he spilled tomato juice on his shirt at the steak house around the corner but it looked like blood. I sold him the shirt and he tipped me good and said not to tell anyone he was there and to burn his dirty shirt. I think Wayne Newton killed a guy. I endorse Kari Lake for Governor because she thinks adultery is okay and I cheated once.

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Sports-Crazed Disappointed Father of 4 Boys Who Are "Too Damn Lazy!"

Kari Lake is more of a man than my sons will ever be. As long as my boys don't try to dress like a gay then we're good. Kari Lake hates the gays so she'd hate my sons and I don't want no Governor hating my gay sons. I'm not saying they are gay but I caught Brock dancing to a song with a gay beat. I beat his ass for dancing. KARI LAKE FOR GOVERNOR!

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Paranoid Woman Who Writes Down Every License Plate of Cars Driving By Her Home

Did you know that Obama had all manufacturers of guns run by Muslims while he was President? So now every gun since 2008 is designed to kill white people. Thankfully our law enforcement has the knowledge to reverse that and little by little our police force is picking off them blacks one by one. Kari Lake is white!

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Racist, Delusional, Narcissistic, Rapist, Pedophile, Pathological Lying Bag of Shit

Grown men. BIG strong men come up to me with tears in their eyes and say, "Please sir, Kari Lake is the female version of you and we need her. Please endorse her. Your endorsement is perfection always." This  happened...yuster...yesterduhhh....yesttt...yessssstttttrrr....this happened the day after a couple of days ago. 

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Rafael Cruz

I'm lonely...